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RMS Titanic
The RMS Titanic was the biggest passenger liner of its time when she set off on her maiden voyage from Southampton to New York. Immigrants we're tired of Europe so they wanted to become Americans to learn fluent baseball. Wikimedia even published an on-line tour guide which took forever to download in Morse code. But it wasn't to be. The Titanic had a full compliment of Anime Girls, but alas, without a full compliment of methods to save them all if they ran into anything whilst at sea. Four days into the trip, on the 14 of April, the Titanic got unlucky and ran into an Iceberg (Also known as Icy Boi). Within three hours she had gone, taking over 15,000 people who either by choice or bad luck were unable to get off this metal monster as the ship dived below the waves like a whale and then just kept going. It was one of the deadliest maritime disasters in history.Titanic's spectacular demise and a future rich source for cliches, similies, metaphors and, of course, jokes. Features Titanic surpassed all her rivals in luxury and opulence. The First-class section had an on-board swimming pool, a gymnasium, a squash court, Turkish bath, Electric bath, hot tub and a Veranda Cafe to swank about on. Trading in the squash court for some more life boats would have been opulent. First-class common rooms were adorned with ornate wood paneling, expensive furniture and silk sheets. Aboard third class, passengers were treated to such delicacies as bread and water from the ocean, and some even had beds. The ship incorporated technologically advanced features for the period. She had three electric elevators in first class and one in second class and an emergency ladder for third class). Titanic had also an extensive electrical subsystem with steam-powered electrical generators and ship-wide wiring, feeding dial-up internet, electric lights, and two transmitter radios, including a powerful 1,500-watt set manned by two operators working in shifts, allowing constant contact and the transmission of many passenger messages. Since most of the messages were 'blah blah we're on the Titanic blah blah', the bored operators deliberately tapped out some telegrams that strongly hinted the lifeboats had become handy locations for a lot of Tenticle Hentai The Ship itself The ship was 882 feet long. This was a great improvement over the five foot six inch first attempt (later disguised as Lifeboat No 1) the builders had mistakenly for to work on. The Titanic included three exhaust funnels to the boiler room a forth "fake" funnel was added because the number 4 was the lucky number on Morgan's fortune cookie from a local take out restaurant. This is significant since a few extra lifeboats were not lucky to have. Lifeboats For her maiden voyage, Titanic carried a total of 20 lifeboats, 4 flat pack yachts and assorted rubber rings. At the time this was considered to 'very generous' by White Star and an unnecessary luxury as the Titanic was unsinkable. The company envisaged using the boats for excursions or pinching passengers off other ships. All they were really used for was a people wanting to join the Doing it at 22.5 knots club. The rest of the ship's deck was set aside to play croquet. Crew Titanic was under the command of these people (See photo on the right if you're an idiot) as well as some others. List of Bridge Officers *Akeno Misaki, The Captain *Mashiro Munetani, 2nd Officer *Rin Shiretoko, The Helmsgirl *Mei Irizaki, 3rd Officer *Shima Tateishi, 4th Officer *Kouko Nosa, The Recording Officer List of other Crew *Maron Yanagiwara, The Chief Engineering Officer *Kayoko Himeji, 5th Officer *Miran Irako, The Chief cook of the Titanic Note: All of the Crew mentioned on this page survied the disaster Maiden Voyage The vessel began her maiden voyage from Southampton, England, bound for New York City, New York on the 10th of April, with Captain Akeno Misaki in command. On this voyage of Titanic some of the most prominent people of the day were traveling in first-class. Among them were Sir Baldy Butt, millionaire John Jacob Astor IV and his Madeleine Aspidistra, industrialist Benjamin Guggenheim, Macy's owner Isidor Straus and the ship's builders Steve Jobs and Tommy Wiseau, who were on board to observe any problems and assess the general performance of the new vessel. They gave the ship two thumbs up as they beat freezing second class passengers off the sides of lifeboat #4. Sinking On the night of Sunday, 14 April 1912, the temperature had dropped to near freezing and the ocean was calm. The moon was not visible. a slight breeze blew from the south by south-west. Akeno Misaki, in response to iceberg warnings received via text-message over the preceding few days, had drawn up a new course which took the ship slightly further southward. That Sunday at 13:45, a message from the steamer Amerika warned that large icebergs lay in Titanic's path, but as Jose Cesar Chavez Morales and Ivan Gratualski, were unable to speak English, the message was not received. Later that evening, another report of numerous large icebergs, this time from Wasabi, also failed to reach the bridge. At 11:40, while sailing about 400 miles south of the Grand Banks of Newfoundland, lookouts Fredrick "one eyed" Fleet and Reginald "legally blind" Lee spotted a large white fuzzy thing directly ahead of the ship. (They sexually identified it as an Iceberg) Fleet sounded the ship's bell three times and telephoned the bridge exclaiming, "Iceburger, right ahead!". Akeno Misaki gave the order "Full Astern, Hard a Starbord!". which caused Rin Shiretoko to turn the wheel left, at the same time, the rest of the crew reversed the engines via telemotor. But it wasn't enough to clear it, Mashiro Munetani said they were going to crash into it. In response, Akeno Misaki announced "Brace for Impact!" The iceberg brushed the ship's starboard side, buckling the hull in several places and popping out rivets. Then Titanic's newly acquired interior water feature started, below the waterline and over a length of 299 feet. Grimy faced stokers got a free cold shower before those not chained to their boilers, scrabbled out and looked for a cup of tea to calm themselves. As seawater filled the forward compartments, Mashiro Munetani closed the watertight doors shut. However, while the ship could stay afloat with four flooded compartments, five were filling with water and cavorting porpoises. Damn those cetaceans! The five water-filled compartments weighed down the ship so that the tops of the forward watertight bulkheads fell below the ship's waterline, allowing water to pour into additional compartments. Steve Jobs, alerted by the jolt of the impact, closed his online game of poker as Akeno Misaki ordered a full stop. Shortly after midnight on 15 April Akeno Misaki asked for a damage report, Maron Yanagiwara said that the engine room was flooding, Kayoko Himeji said that the draining pumps were broken, and Miran Irako said that the rice cooker was broken, Akeno Misaki then asked if anyone was hurt, they all said that they were alright. She was wondering what she should do, they said two things, ready the lifeboats and send out distress calls. Wireless operators Jose Cesar Chavez Morales and Ivan Gratualski were busy sending out Facebook pics of Anime Girls, the international distress signal. Several ships responded, including Titanic's sister ship, Olympic. The closest ship to respond was Cunard Line's RMS Carpathia 58 miles away, which could arrive in an estimated four hours—too late to rescue all of Titanic's passengers. The only land–based location that received the distress call from Titanic was a Verizon Wireless station in Newfoundland. From the bridge, the lights of a nearby ship could be seen off the port side. The identity of this ship remains a mystery but there have been theories suggesting that it was probably either the Flying Dutchman or that pirate ship from Goonies. It was later identified as the Californian where a notorious lax attitude to stress and a desire to 'chill out', saw the entire crew below deck smoking and watching Nostalgia Critic. The only time anyone stirred themselves was when First Mate Bates who went on deck to complain about the 'bloody noise and fireworks' coming from that 'tub' over there. Final minutes On board the Titanic people were still partying, unware the floor was pointing downwards. Some wanted to get to a lifeboat but only to race around the ship for a bet. Below deck, those passengers who were onboard to emigrate were trying to retrieve their suitcases, goats and dirty drawings. But their attempt to get on deck and find a lifeboat were thwarted by Tommy Wiseau's strict instructions that he wanted 'no class mixing' on deck. He also knew most were Irish, Polish, Russians and whatever and so dispensible if the situation got icky later on. It was around this time that Tommy Wiseau climbed up a funnel and gave the following running commentary: Welcome, welcome it's a wonderful evening for a disaster here in the Atlantic ocean, and we have a hell of a thriller on our hands here, its down to the wire non-stop pandemonium, it's ten after two and, wait, wait, yes the stern is rising out of the water, the propellers are fully exposed, and still turning folks, yes those steam engines, they take a licking and keep on ticking, I see at least two life boats have floated away with no one on board, oh, wait a minute there's Steve Jobs on deck, he's had a bad year batting 0 for 2 in ship design, those guys up stairs will probably send him down to the minors for this one, people are scrambling to the stern now, we have our first jumper, and he just hit the propeller, that's gonna hurt in the morning, he'll be on the DL for the rest of the season, the ship is standing straight up in the air now, as we pause for a word from our sponsor. "Cunard Cruise Line's, your one stop shop for paradise, come sail the friendly seas with us, the worlds premier cruise line, with packages starting at only $35 US, and remember people who have chosen us say, they'd rather be dead, than sail with White Star Line And we're back to the action, I just saw a fat lady bounce off the wheelhouse, do a triple back flip, land on a screaming baby, then belly flop into the water, folks I haven't seen athleticism like this since the 1903 Olympics, speaking of Olympics' there she is in the distance the sister ship to Titanic, looking at her big sister who is going down faster than a cheap Walmart tire, Don't turn that dial there is still loads of action here in the Atlantic, Stop the presses the lights have just gone out, I Repeat the lights have just gone out, we may need to get some one up there in the upper deck as this could delay the action, while we wait it would be a good time to report that the New England sports books have Peit Minou as the odds on favor to win this one, but it still maybe to early to call, a rally in the late innings could save this one yet. Oh there we go the lights are on again, there is some sort of action going on in the bullpen, and is it, yes the ship has broken in two, the ship has broken in two, the crowd is taking their phones out, its all over folks, the rest is history, Petit Minou has won it in the bottom of 9th, this one is over. Why is everyone looking for this heart of the sea? It's just plastic. The Titanic finally sank at about 2.20am. Those in the lifeboats circled around, sometimes going into the crowd in the water to poke cruel fun at their expense. A couple of hours later the Carpathia finally arrived. That ship's Captain, Wilhelmina Braunschweig Ingenol Friedeburg asked if Steve Jobs was still on board the Titanic when it foundered. When that was confirmed she remarked "sad" and emptied a vase of flowers on the last location of the sunken ship. One unexpected survivor was Tommy Wiseau. He had bummed a berth to get back to New York in time for a party. When Steve Jobs, Lee McMeme and all others willingly went down with the ship, Tommy Wiseau refused. Passengers said they had seen him urging on the crew to 'bounce off that white thingy' just seconds before the collision. Tommy Wiseau defended his decision to abandon ship ahead of women and children on the grounds that he would be 'needed' to sort out the mess following the sinking. ' Aftermath of sinking Noted Survivors *All nine Schoolgirl crew members *Lucy Heartfilia *Akane "June" Kurashiki *Tommy Wiseau *Squidward Tentacles *Michael Scott *Dwight Schrute *Unknown cat (found floating in a container) *Viking (Found in a makeshift boat made out of a laundry basket and a broom that served as an oar) *Keyboard Cat *Fat Angry Office Guy *Hank Hill *Ed *Angry German Kid *Neo Noted Victims *Steve Jobs *Lee McMeme *Me and The Boys *J.J Astor *Isidor Straus *Jose Cesar Chavez Morales *Ivan Gratualski Investigations into the disaster Following the disaster, two enquiries were held: One in New York and the other in London. These were the results:- *Water freezes solid when cold. *Icebergs are irresponsible. *The Titanic was sunk by Cunard to bring the USA into World War One (Scheduled to start). *It was an inside job on behalf of Israel and Iran to assasinate the schoolgirls commanding the ship. *Mermaids caused it. *Got it. Wood floats, metal sinks. Try it. *It was an inside job on behalf of The United States of America (pre-9/11) Steve Jobs and Tommy Wiseau were completely exonerated for the disaster. The Titanic enquiries concluded by blaming them and the iceberg for the disaster by 'being in the wrong place at the wrong time'. Recommendations were that all ships should have generous alcohlic supplies and casino facilities onboard in case of future problems. Authors rushed to press once the news was known; the first of many books, "Futility, or the Wreck of the Titan" by Morgan Robertson, appeared on store shelves in 1898 in order to capitalise on the magnificent ship's fame. Only many years later, a shocked and disgusted public learned of the true horrors of Céline Dion singing that nauseating song to the end; Titanic's band tried to drown her out by playing religious hymns but all was indeed lost. Discovery Spongebob and Patrick Spongebob and Patrick discovered the Titanic ''by accident when they were walking, although they did admit they were on the ''Titanic ''before it sunk. The discovery was a massive change in history. Robert Ballard Many years later, Robert Ballard discovered the''Titanic (he also recorded it). Films Ice and Steel (2069) This film was a massive success due to the historical accuracy it had. The Film follows the adventures of Akeno Misaki and the rest of the crew as the Titanic makes it's way to disaster Titanic (42069) An upcoming film by Cames Jamron that is going to feature two ficional characters loving each other, the director specifically wants it to get in the way of the actual disaster. Note: There is a theory that Jones the cat sunk the Titanic ''to form the Nonary Game (It later took place on the restored ''Britannic, but it was identified by it's original name Gigantic) Images 5e4cxiyqqfj11.png|The unknown cat 507fd7dfecad047c0700001d.jpg|The Verizon Wireless station in Newfoundland high-school-fleet.jpg|A screenshot of the Iceberg scene visualized in Ice and Steel (2069) tumblr_o5s2q7fmqI1uqrfrco1_500.gif|"Full Speed Astern! Hard a Starbord!" D9iB96LXkAEqgqW.jpg|Artists recreation of Spongebob and Patrick finding the Titanic Tommy-Wiseau-1.jpg|Tommy Wiseau r_1391854_VGVwx.jpg|Memorial plaque for Steve Jobs Tit anic.jpg|A Gamers recreation of what happened 71b.png|What could have happened Titanic Category:Olympic-Class Liners